Your Demise

How is it that your demise brings us so much grief...
That is just aches so much...
No amount of tears, sharing or busy schedules and distractions can take it away...

To know that we've done little....
To know that there could have been so many years ahead...
To know that it could have been much better...

And yet, we know....
You didn't lead the insignificant life...

I have....
I have led a life of indifference...

But you have opened our eyes...
To a different, much smaller and fragile world...
One that we'll eternally remember...
And that will remind us...

Of the saving grace.

Fondly remembered,

AML

19*2 - October 22 2009

R.I.P.

Hello and Hi!

I thought I should at least leave a few lines:

I moved into my home in Seremban. Pretty nice.
It's been great driving around.
My Internal Med posting has already gotten to me.
I've had my car knocked into even before it turned one month. And then I got it paid for by the offender. Quite some stress there....
We're done with three weeks.
My phone line and Internet connection came swiftly.

Joe has left for England. And we miss him terribly.

And this may be irrelevant - but I actually drove home all the way, 2.5 hours on the highway and mind you, it was Raya eve. Talk about breakthroughs!!!!

That's all for now. It sure doesn't feel like a holiday right now.

But I'm Not Her, Lord!

I never knew how much I dreaded this week until this morning. I hoped beyond hope that my brief vacation with Mian Li, Diana and Qian Hui never met its end. It was heaven on earth. And soon, we were saying our goodbyes.

I was back home for a while only to travel again to settle everything else pending at the home I will soon occupy or a good (and maximum of) 2 years.

And still my heart aches.

What is it about the past three months that I've not done well enough?

I've not been the best child. I admit to have put a hole in my parents' pockets.

And then, amidst the imperfections, I have also conquered some milestones.

I bothered to perform by my cicil duty - I'm a registered voter. I spent the longest period of time with medical attachments. I've met friends. I've done a little bit for the CYW Tour. I've hosted people at home. I've taken a bold step of taking a new car down with me for the Clinicals. I can play about 5 decent pieces under the guidance of Ms. Maria. We've lavished on a memorable and meaningful 25th wedding anniversary celebration. I've settled my accommodation with two wonderful tenants (Marina and MeZhen) with negligible teething problems (which remain the fault of our agent and landlady).

But it still aches.

Because, sometimes, I cannot ignore the fact that a large part of me is being compared to her and her and h-e-r!

I'm too weak to go down any path that will wreck my life. I'm already troubled by many things that await me in the near future. Though a part of me does courageously brush it aside.

And then all those verses flood my mine. Seek ye first the kingdom of God. He remembers our form. The heart is deceiving about all else.

I've too many people around me. But the hopeless truth is that, I can still feel alone on this matter.

This is not how I've intended the semester break to end...

Faith Factor

After the end of my attachment, I've been still trying to make myself useful.

These two, in particular, have brought about a great boost of confidence:

1. The arrival of my new Auto car - So yeah, driving hasn't been any easier!

2. Resuming my piano lessons after a 6-year gap. My teacher is beautiful. And I can play some really beautiful pieces.

So yeah. I'm off to have a reunion cum farewell vacation with some IMU peeps. And before we'll know it, I'd be whisked away for the Clinical Phase.

Come what may!

Not Well Enough....

You must know by now that my semester break is coming to an end. I'll be moving on to the next chapter of my life.

On retrospect, I cannot help but thank God for the past years.

If there has been a recurrent thought for the past few months, it has to be that which partially engulfs me with fear....

Have I let time pass too quickly?

I know far too many people who are keen on capturing the memorable days in every way possible and have it shared with others. This I believe is commendable and is an area I'm working hard to keep up with myself even with a video camera, digital camera, public and private blog and two notable social networks.

But then, the bigger question would be one that may sound somewhat a cliche:

Have I let time pass with meaningless pursuits? And have I left no stone unturned even as I move on?

So I've completed a reasonable period of time doing medical attachments.

I've resumed piano lessons with a very kind and beautiful lady. It is liberating to know that all hope is not gone. And the confidence I have gained has had a therapeutic effect on me.

I've met with people I've never dreamt of meeting in a lifetime.

I've met friends I will always miss and went places I may never return to.

I've also remembered and honoured my parents even as they commemorated their 25th wedding anniversary. More than the posh restaurant or fancy details, I prefer to remember it as a celebration in which I know I have not forgotten to say anything that I should have said thus far. The words of my Pastor has resonated well and clear.

And in all my inadequacies, I know I've not done some more important things, choosing to wallow in some miseries, doubts, resentments and selfishness.

And no amount of remorse can undo that...

Because Sometimes, a little Patience should be Added to Hope

What world was I in when I actually bid him farewell?

It ain't over, till it's over, ain't it not?

Found it!

Well, this is not to reiterate my point that I am...in fact....resting.

I remember a post I had once wrote on this book that I have been looking for. I assumed I had searched hard enough.

And apparently, I haven't. To add to that, I have found it in the least expected bookstore. In my hometown.

Now that's what I term a divine finding.

The book is a real page-turner. It is no bother that is as thick as my dictionary. If I may add, it surprises me that the author has not written the book to sensationalize the life of the infamous murderer. It had a greater purpose - to create awareness, particularly among women.

My older brother and I were big fans of the programme, Medical Detectives. We watched it religiously on Friday nights. We absolutely anticipated re-runs. And then there was a point of time in which we were obsessed with all these tales and mysteries of serial killings. It kept us intrigued. Or maybe we just had very boring lives in which we ate, slept and buried our heads in books.

Who knows...

I must say that I would have long subscribed to the Crime and Investigation Channel if I had a less hectic schedule. (As it is, most of our channels are under utilized.)

It just bothers me a fair bit that I only know a handful of people who are familiar with the name Ted Bundy. I mean, he was only executed in 1989. Or maybe, that is a long time ago....

P.S. The book has been updated many times. My paperback cover has a different look.